Damn, I’m Fat Again, Week 10
Howdy yet again, friends, family, fiends, foes, and all of you funky folks!
It’s been exactly 10 weeks since I started this maddening, frustrating, cuss-inducing, $%^*^$#, weight-loss journey. Some days feel like I’m climbing a mountain, and others like I’m just falling down a cliff that I worked so hard to climb around. Let me tell you, the emotional roller coaster of trying to lose weight while juggling a semi-normal life is no damn fun at all, 0, nil, nix, none.
Dean-ism: stolen unabashedly from Rodney Dangerfield: “I know I’m not sexy, I put on my underwear today and the fruit of the loom guys laughed at me!”
The Beginning: Facing the Music
I’ll be brutally honest — stepping on the scale that first day felt like confronting a video game, boss level beast. You know, the kind who smiles sweetly while holding a mirror to all your bad decisions, then beating the complete hell out of you, making you a bloody pulp. The number was brutal, 252 lbs., but hey, at least I had previous experience, and the basic courage to face it. The problem is, facing the scale is one thing; living with the weight (pun intended) of what it represents is a whole other bloody beast.
And let’s not forget the emotional whirlwind that comes with it. There’s the initial determination: “This time, I’m doing it. No excuses!” Then there’s the doubt: “Can I really stick to it, this time?” And finally, the embarrassment and self hate: “How did I let myself get here again? Why? Crap, here I go again!”
But as I’ve learned over the years, beating yourself up mentally doesn’t burn calories. If it did, I’d be Hulk Hogan (“Say Your Prayers, take your vitamins!) by now. (I do a fairly good imitation, take my word for it.)
Week 10: The Honeymoon Stuff Is Over
Here’s the thing: the first few weeks of a weight-loss journey are like the honeymoon phase in a relationship. You’re full of motivation and will power. The pounds start dropping, and you’re like, “Look at me, world! I’m unstoppable!” I know, the first couple of weeks, I dropped 12 lbs really fast, of course it was just water-weight and easy.
Fast forward to Week 10, and reality has really hit me hard. The scale starts looking like a pinball machine on steroids. One week, it’s kind. The next week, it’s a cruel b*^&*# of a reminder that progress isn’t linear or as easy as I thought. Add in cravings, a strange-scheduled retail car sales job, and, oh yeah, life, and suddenly that sweetheart of a honeymoon is over.
I hit what the pro bodybuilders call a “plateau” a few weeks ago. My body seems to have decided it’s perfectly happy at this weight and isn’t interested in shedding more pounds anytime soon. Meanwhile, my brain is screaming, “C’mon, belly, we had a deal, we “shook” on it!” (Good news, I lost 2 lbs these last 3 days, so, maybe I am back on track!)
Dean-ism: “My brain is down for the moment, one half wandered off somewhere, the other half went to look for it, and the third half was just in a corner of the room drooling and saying I’m dumb.”
The Emotional Tug-of-War In My Own Brain
Weight loss is as even more of an emotional journey as it is a physical one. One day, I’m proud of myself, watching calories, and feeling great. Next, I’m beating myself up for eating a cracker — (or, let’s be honest, three crackers.)
The self-chatter in my head is relentless. Some days, I’m my own cheerleader: “You’ve got this! Look how far you’ve come!”
Other days, I’m my own worst critic: “Really? Did you need that extra bowl of those oh-so-delicious grapes?”
The trick, I’ve found, is to try to be easier on myself. Progress isn’t perfect, and neither am I, not by a long shot. And that’s got to be okay, otherwise the consequences are dreadful and I don’t want to go down that rabbit hole ever again.
Small Wins Are Starting To Add Up, (Ever So Slowly)
Despite the ups and downs, there are moments of victory. Like realizing I have way too much material in my pants, my shirts are too big, and I can wear some of my old ones, (2x not 3x, and they are loose!) from when I was thinner, my belts are too big, and have to be cut down, ( 3.5 in.!)or realizing I’m not out of breath after climbing the flight of stairs to our showroom at Ideal Cars. These small wins are like gasoline for my motivational fire, reminding me why I started this journey in the first place. Like they said in the movie Zombieland, “Enjoy the small things.”
I’ve also learned to celebrate those non-scale related victories. Things like drinking more water, less soda, no booze at all, sticking to my calorie counting, or saying no to that oh-so-tempting late-night ice cream. These are the habits that will carry me through when my talking scale says, “One at a time”, or “No livestock!” (BTW, the talking scale and I are no longer on speaking terms.)
The Harsh Realities of Food and Exercise
Let’s talk about food, a bit, can we? It’s incredible how much of our emotional state is tied to what, when and how we eat. A good, balanced meal can make me feel like I’ve got my act together. But catch me in a weak moment with a bowl of ice cream, and it’s a spiral out of control with guilt, self-loathing and regret.
Meal prep has made a huge difference. Having my meals and healthy options ready to go mostly keeps me from grabbing whatever is closest (and usually very unhealthy). This part is the biggest, toughest give up of all. Still, there are days when I miss the convenience — and let’s be brutally honest, the taste — of junk food, Rice Krispie treats, cookies, ice cream, and the worst, most evil of all, McDonalds bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit, and hash browns come to mind. (sorry McDonalds, it’s not you, it’s just me.)
Exercise, on the other hand, is another item altogether. I know it’s good for me, duh. However, dragging myself to a gym that smells like a badly used sweat sock, having the “Gym-rat Bros” looking over at me while trying to ride a bike or figure out the etiquettes for waiting on a machine, is just a big NO FREAKING WAY for me. Out for a walk is a daily battle. Once I’m moving, it’s fine — sometimes even enjoyable, got my headphones in, listening to some tasty Rush or Dio, or my favorite comedians. The hardest part is getting starting. Motivation is really a mother sometimes, when I have already put in 11,000 steps at work, and my brain is fried from dealing with customers who think a 480 credit score is “building” and want a car with only a $200 downpayment and no cosigner. Insane, and mind bending. I have a hard time lacing up my Hoka’s and doing even a few more steps. (being brain tired is a thing, honest)
The Absolute Power of Good Support
One thing that’s made a huge difference is having a support system. Whether it’s having a friend who checks in, a spouse who encourages me, (mine is dynamite, btw, and she helps a lot) or even strangers sharing their own “stuff, journey, ideas, or whatever items they can” online, knowing I’m not alone in the sweaty jungle helps. Even better is the guy you don’t see everyday saying, “Wow, you look thinner, what are you doing?” Or, better yet, the guy who sees you everyday and says, “Hey, bud, what happened, your back-boobs are gone!” (The last one is my friend, and sales guy extraordinaire, Sunday) (Yes, his name is Sunday.)
It’s also why I’m writing this weekly blog. If you’re on a similar journey, I want you to know it’s okay to struggle. It’s okay to fall off track. What matters is that you keep going. In this world, always be a “Rocky”, get back up, dammit!
Lessons Learned Thus Far
Here are a few things I’ve learned in these horrible, yet amazing,10 weeks:
- Perfection Is Way Overrated: There’s no such thing as a perfect diet or workout routine. Life and sh%* happens, and flexibility is where it is at. The only thing that’s constant in our world is change.
- Consistency Beats the Hell Out Of Intensity: It’s better to do something small every day than to go all out and burn out. I learned the hard way, after sliding back into “Fat-World”, 13 years after losing 66 lbs in 9 mos. (Too fast and no discipline after.)
- Self-Compassion Matters Most: Beating yourself up won’t help you lose weight or do anything for that matter. Encouraging yourself will, everytime. Being kind to others is great, but start with yourself. Remember what Geddy Lee of Rush sang, and be “Closer To the Heart”.
- Celebrate Every Even Small Victory: Whether it’s a half of a pound lost, parking at the farthest end of the lot for more steps, or a healthier choice made, every step (figuratively and literally) forward counts, enjoy the small things.
Looking Ahead
As I head into Week 11, I’m focusing on more of the basics: eating well, but taking my calorie count down to 1500 calories per day instead of 1850, moving more, and staying more positive, (staying positive, well, that’s my biggest hurdle). I know there will be more challenges ahead, but I’m in this for the longest haul, I want to live longer, to see what life has.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that weight loss isn’t just about shedding pounds. It’s about gaining confidence, building healthier habits, and finding some joy in the journey — even when it’s at its hardest.
So here’s to progress, not perfection. To small wins and bigger dreams. And to all of us out there doing our best to live healthier, happier lives.
Thanks so much for joining me on this ride. I truly am grateful for you all, the readers, and the folks who listen to my daily internet radio show. If you’re on a similar journey, I’d love to hear about it in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on, teamwork!