Damn it, I’m Fat Again! My Story Of Weight Loss and Gain and Loss. Please indulge me.

Yeah, It's Me, "Too Fat" Dean

Here I go again! Some of you can empathize, some not. I am writing this to try to get over my angst, depression, anger, whatever you want to call it.

At my latest Doctor visit for my quarterly blood work, ( I am a tiny bit diabetic), the good Doctor informed me that I had just tipped over the edge and am now, “Morbidly Obese”. I have known for years and years that I am too big, but the term threw me into a loop of self-hate and depression very quickly.

Let me go back a bit. I am 5' 11", and fairly strong. In 2011, the winter, if my memory is correct, I had enough. I was up to 275 lbs. I hated the way I looked and felt. So I decided to lose some weight, my goal was 200 lbs. The Doctor I was seeing said I should weigh 185, I told him I would look like a stick and blow away in the wind. But, I downloaded the “Noom” app (back then it was free, or a minimal charge for add on stuff now it’s $60/mo. Shame on them it really worked for me.) on my phone, and started watching calories, keeping to a maximum of 1200 calories per day. I also decided to start walking for exercise, and I got up to 5 miles every other day, with gusts up to 8 miles now and then. After about 2 weeks, the weight started to fall off of me. At the point where I got down to weighing 235 lbs., all of my numbers snapped into line, blood pressure, A1C, my cholesterol was never a problem, (great genetics). So I was energized, and happy. I was away from home for about an hour and a half or more every other day, but it gave me a chance to listen to my favorite stuff, classic rock and comedy. I plugged in my earbuds and walked, about 3 mph, and it worked! I got down to 209, in about 10 months. I lost 66 lbs. and was feeling better.

Then I got back into the car business, lots of and strange hours, average of about 60 hours a week, usually dead tired when I got home, no time or energy for my walks. I worked at a high-line dealer, (Lincoln), I loved the brand, there were snacks out for us and the customers. None of which were very good for me. Then, even though I bounced from dealer to dealer, (as salespeople tend to do), the snacks and take-out, and crappy hours, made eating healthy a near impossibility.

I ballooned up to 282 lbs. I knew it was bad. Everything hurt me, I was tired and uncomfortable all the time. Then I had a gall-bladder operation, and was not able to eat, and etc. I got down to about 260 lbs. Kind of the hard way to do it. Then about a year or so later, an errant gallstone found it’s way into my stomach. It was painful and I had an out-patient procedure to remove it. I fasted for a day before the procedure, and for a day or two after. Then I ate very lightly for a couple of weeks, as my stomach was very tender.

Suddenly I was down to about 240ish lbs. I was sort of happy, as my clothes fit better, I was more comfortable and I vowed to stay at 240 or lower. I was still a bit diabetic, and my blood pressure was still a tad over what the Doctor wanted, but a few pills daily and all was well.

Fast forward to last Wednesday. The Doctor weighed me in and I was 252 lbs. (back to the eating poorly program) He crowned me, “Morbidly Obese”. I was really very frightened and upset that I had let myself get to this point again. No one used that word with me before, and I thought you had to be 100 lbs. Overweight to get that moniker. He explained it was all BMI (body mass indicators), and I was just a bit over the limit. Nonetheless, I was frightened, scared, pissed, angry, and very sad and depressed.

So now I am back to dieting, not the 1200 calorie style, but I am tracking my intake, trying to stay around 1400 calories, with a different app, (shame on Noom for being so expensive), and I am still completely angry, depressed, etc. I am trying very hard to laugh it off, as I usually do, but it is very hard this time.

I am angry at myself for getting back to this point, I am disappointed that I didn’t see it coming, or ignored it, because food is one of my only real pleasures anymore. (Too old to ride motocross, and the joints hurt, not to mention the neuropathy in my feet makes it hard to ride or go bowling, like I used to. I am really trying to put this all in perspective and just go with the flow or even laugh it off and stay “diet-focused”. It is tough and it has only been 4 days. I have given up soda, (even diet), and I haven’t gone over 1400 calories in 3 days going on 4.

The biggest problem I have in all this mess, is that I have a tiny bit of O.C.D. and I am an all or nothing person. Eating “healthy” is hard for me. I can’t seem to moderate. I can do it headlong, eating just enough, or I eat like food is my passion and can’t get enough. Now I am flipping my brain to the “eat small” mode, even though some say I am not eating enough, this is how I have to work with my brain. Yes, I am pretty grumpy, and depressed. This will pass as soon as I get to 225 lbs. I am sure. It may take me a few months, but I will get there, I have done it before I can do it again. (Wish me luck, but I know I can do it!)

If you all want, I will try to log my progress as I go, and give my mind somewhere to vent, if you don’t mind. I appreciate all my family and friends helping and encouraging me. I hope that they realize that I am sometimes in a foul mood because I am angry with me, not them.

Please, if you or someone you live or even like is like me, learn to help them, don’t judge, because it is a real difficult problem. Love them, and encourage them.

Dean Benson, “The Dean Of Rock & Roll” SKY7music.com middays everyday on the “Only Classic Rock Channel”. Also see: my day-job page, www.deanscarfamily.com which has everyday bargains, on auto accessories for your ride.